This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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