thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
