it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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