I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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