oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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