so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
