So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
