I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
