my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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