i barfeds in our rink
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
