he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Text me some of your sweat
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
