I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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