new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
