So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
