Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
