some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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