I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
