I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
