I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
