remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
