I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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