Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
