If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hippo gnu deer
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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