I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
