Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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