My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Randomize
