I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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