My nipple is on Facebook.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
