I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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