i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
