I cockslap morals
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
