i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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