Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
