allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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