"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
