on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
