It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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