Jerry, you need to find god
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
