Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
