Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
