Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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