We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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