i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were trust falling into bushes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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