I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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