this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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