Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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