Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
