i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
