Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
