i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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