If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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