I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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