Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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