Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
