If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
