Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
