my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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