I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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