He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
