My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize