The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
