I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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